


Still Learning To Heal

by Kelandry5



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anxiety, Cutting, Depression, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post Time Skip, Relapse, Rich Kozume Kenma, Self-Harm, kuroo is a cheesy dork, kuroo really loves kenma, mostly comfort, post time skip kozume kenma, post time skip kuroo tetsurou
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-05
Updated: 2020-10-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:35:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26843740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kelandry5/pseuds/Kelandry5
Summary: Kuroo thought they were past the bad. He thought Kenma was better. He thought he'd know if he wasn't.But relapses happen. You can't always see them coming. Sometimes you just finish work early, come home, and find your boyfriend bleeding on the floor. There's no warning. There's no way to prevent it. It just happens. Kuroo has to deal with that and find a way to help Kenma deal with it too.
Relationships: Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Comments: 8
Kudos: 139





	Still Learning To Heal

Kuroo stood in the doorway frozen, shaking, and staring. Staring at the pool of blood on the bathroom tiles. Staring at Kenma curled up crying. Staring at dozens of fresh cuts scattered on a pale arm. Staring at the stainless steel razor, drenched in blood, that had done all the harm.

It’d been so long since Kuroo had seen this sight. And never this bad.

* * *

Kenma used to wear jackets a lot because he got cold easily and because he said it felt like they protected him from the world. They were a barrier between him and everyone else. They were safe. That’s why he used to wear them. But that hadn’t been the case for many years. Now he wore them to cover up the scars.

From the outside, Kenma’s life seemed great. He was rich. He had a company that was doing well. He had a kind and good looking boyfriend and a house and two cats. He seemed strong. Smart. Sure of himself. Not the kind of person that curls up on the floor crying and slicing into their skin. 

But Kuroo had learned that there is no way to tell who curls up on the floor crying and slicing into their skin. It could be anyone. It could be Kenma. It was Kenma.

He found that out on a day much like today. He’d finished class early and stopped by Kenma’s house. He let himself in with the spare key only to find Kenma on the floor, bleeding, with a blood drenched razor in his hand. And, just like now, he’d stood frozen. He hadn’t known what to do or how to even comprehend the sight in front of him. It’d taken multiple apologies from Kenma before he’d been able to crouch down and help him. It’d taken hours for him to comprehend what had happened.

And it’d taken multiple new scars showing up on Kenma’s body before Kuroo insisted Kenma get help. Medications. Therapy. A break from school and work. Therapy and time off for Kuroo too. He spent a whole semester with Kenma just travelling or staying home and eating pie while playing all of Kenma’s favorite games. They went to America and Bali and some various places in Japan they’d always wanted to see. They spent time just cuddling and talking long walks in the park. 

And things had gotten better. They finished school and Kuroo got his dream job but he still made sure to spend time with Kenma as much as Kenma would allow. He stayed as involved as possible. They still took little trips and went to therapy. They adopted two friendly cats and moved in together. Kenma’s company and his bank account became extremely successful and his youtube channel grew with it. Kuroo thought they were past the bad. He thought, if they weren’t past it, he’d know. 

Now Kuroo was learning he was wrong. Relapses happen. And you can’t always see them coming. Sometimes you just finish work early, come home, and find your boyfriend bleeding on the floor and it’s the only clue you get. Everything just crashes so fast and you can’t stop it. You can only clean up the mess.

He didn’t need Kenma’s voice to pull him out of his trance this time, which was good because Kenma wasn’t using his voice this time. Only his golden brown eyes begged for forgiveness or for something. His mouth stayed closed, lips pressed into a thin trembling line.

Kuroo took a deep breath and set the groceries down. He grabbed a towel from the sink and crouched down to Kenma’s level, placing the towel over the many cuts. “Put pressure on it while I get the first aid kit.”

“I didn’t…” Kenma’s voice trailed off and Kuroo guessed, whatever Kenma was about to say, he didn’t believe it enough himself to try to convince Kuroo of it. That was fine.

“Just put pressure on it, okay?” Kuroo repeated. He took his hand from the towel and waited for Kenma’s hand to replace his before going for the med kit. 

As he searched for the little box under the sink, he took some more calming breaths and went over what he needed to do to help Kenma. First was taking care of the wounds of course. Then finding out what happened to cause this. And he’d need to call Kenma’s therapist, Dr. Toshi, too. Maybe call his boss and take a couple of days off or ask if he could work from home. He supposed it would depend on what Kenma said when they talked. But cleaning up and calming down was first. He grabbed the first aid kit and a damp cloth and brought it over to Kenma.

“Kitten,” he spoke softly as he brushed some hair from Kenma’s face. “I.. I have to clean this up, okay?”

Kenma nodded.

Kuroo gave him a soft smile, though it quickly faded as he pulled away the towel. His insides did somersaults at the sight and he had to swallow a bit of acid back down. Slowly and gently, he began wiping as much of the blood off as he could and wiping the cuts with alcohol wipes as well as a few of his own tears that he couldn’t hold back. Then he covered the arm in layers of crisp white gauze and washed the blood and tears from Kenma’s face and hands. 

All the while, Kenma laid still, unmoving and not talking. It seemed cooperative but Kuroo knew Kenma just didn’t have the mental strength left to fight him. His eyes weren’t even focused on anything. He wasn’t caring about what happened or what awaited him. He wasn't fighting to live or to die or to heal or to hurt. He was just letting it be. He was giving up. Fading away. It scared Kuroo more than anything. It made him feel like maybe this was it. Kenma was back in the dark and he wasn’t coming out of it this time. It wouldn’t be long before Kenma was just gone. Kuroo didn’t want to face that possibility. He didn’t think he’d survive it. But, looking at Kenma right now, he couldn’t stop the anxiety whispering in his ear that the good times were forever over.

So he put his eyes elsewhere. He looked at the medkit as he packed the supplies back in the box and returned it to its place under the sink. He focused on the towels as he washed off the blood and left them in the sink with some soap. And, as he focused on those other things, he took deep breaths until he could push the anxiety down and look at Kenma again.

“Let’s get you out of here, okay?” he spoke softly again and waited for Kenma to give him some sign that it was okay. When he received a little nod, he bent down again and wrapped his arms around the small body, easily picking Kenma up.

“The.. the blood..” Kenma tried to speak though his voice was so ragged and breathy and muted since he'd buried his face in Kuroo's neck already. It didn’t sound like him at all. 

Kuroo understood though. He glanced down at the puddle of blood on the floor and sighed. It was a lot. It’d be a pain to clean once it dried, but Kenma was more important right now. “I’ll clean it up later. Let’s just get you upstairs.”

Rubbing Kenma’s back, Kuroo carried him up to the bedroom and laid him down under the fluffy blankets. “There’s blood on your shirt. Will you let me change it?” 

Kenma nodded and Kuroo felt a little better. Kenma cared about the blood on the floor. And he cared about what happened enough to nod. Or maybe he just cared about communicating with Kuroo enough to nod. Either way, he wasn’t totally gone. The darkness hadn’t completely swallowed him.. yet. 

Kuroo stood and went to the closet. He reached for one of Kenma’s Monster Hunter shirts but changed his mind and grabbed the shirt he’d worn to bed the night before. It was a soft black t-shirt with a science joke on it and he was fairly sure it still smelled like his deodorant and soap. He brought it back to Kenma and helped him exchange the shirts. Kenma’s body visibly relaxed in Kuroo’s shirt and he gave a small satisfied sniff. Kuroo knew he made the right choice.

Kuroo scooted Kenma over on the bed and sat down. He placed his hand on Kenma’s head and slowly threaded his fingers through the long black hair. “Can I get you some water? Or something to eat” he asked. 

There was a small shake of the head.

“I guess I should ask if you’ve eaten today. Or had anything to drink recently?”

There was no response. Kuroo sighed. “I’m going to take that as a no. Or as a you can’t answer without speaking and don’t want to speak yet.”

Still no response.

Kuroo partially rolled his eyes. “You’ll have to speak sooner or later..” he grumbled, almost snapping, though he instantly regretted it as Kenma flinched. Kuroo dragged his hand over his face and inhaled, telling himself to chill out. “I’m sorry,” he whispered and reached for Kenma again. 

There was a long pause before Kenma moved his head back towards Kuroo’s hand, but his eyes were wavering. “You’re mad..” he mumbled under his breath. 

Kuroo held his hand still, his eyes widening. “I’m not mad, Kitten. I’m…” he looked away and pulled his hand into his lap. “I’m scared.”

Kenma didn’t reply but Kuroo didn’t really expect him to. It was a hard thing to reply to and Kenma never was the best with words. He shrugged it off and stood up. “I’m going to make us some tea. Just get comfortable.”

Without waiting for Kenma to nod or speak, Kuroo left and headed back downstairs. He started some tea, put the groceries away, and gave the cats some food and attention. Then he grabbed a tray, some cookies, and Kenma’s switch and returned to the bedroom.

The two spent the next hour silently. Kenma curled up with his tea and switch and Kuroo sat on the floor to give him some space while he tried to focus on a book. As the sun faded away outside, Kuroo began to think he was going to have to force Kenma to talk. He was trying to give him space and time but Kuroo’s own anxiety was rising. He needed answers. He needed something. 

Just when he thought he might break down if Kenma didn’t say something, he heard the clank of the switch being set on the nightstand. He raised his head and saw Kenma staring at him while fidgeting with the end of the blanket.

“You ready to talk?” Kuroo’s voice was barely a whisper. 

Kenma nodded and Kuroo put his book down. He tucked his shaky hands into his lap and swallowed. “Can I sit on the bed?”

There was another nod so Kuroo got up. He crawled onto the bed and left space for Kenma. It only took a few seconds for Kenma to wiggle into a comfortable position with his head on Kuroo’s lap and his hand wrapped in the fabric of his pants. Kuroo rested his hand on Kenma’s head and started stroking Kenma’s hair.

“Why didn’t you tell me things were bad again?” Kuroo asked.

“I thought I could fight it.. I didn’t think.. I didn’t think I’d do it again.”

“And you didn’t call me? Today. Before doing it or.. Or.. or even after? Were you trying to..”

Kenma quickly shook his head. “I..”

“What is it, Kitten?” Kuroo tried to encourage him by using his other hand to rub Kenma’s hip in gentle motions.

“I didn’t mean to do it. Just.. I.. it just.. My mind kept telling me to. The urges wouldn’t stop.. I just.. I thought.. I don’t know. It just happened and I couldn’t stop.. I couldn’t stop.. And now everything’s ruined and I.. I didn’t mean to. Everything’s messed up. I fucked up and I’m back at the start and I didn’t mean to..” Kenma’s body started shaking again and fresh tears ran from his eyes.

Kuroo frowned. “Why is everything messed up? Because you relapsed?”

At Kuroo’s last words, Kenma’s body stiffened and he pulled his knees closer to his chest. Kuroo had guessed right but there was more to it than that. There was guilt and fear in Kenma’s reaction. He was bothered by it. He seemed to still want to live and be better. Maybe Kuroo had misunderstood Kenma’s lack of resistance earlier. Maybe he hadn’t given up after all. 

Kuroo kept rubbing soothing circles into Kenma’s hip and brushing his hair till the tension began to leave the smaller body again. He bet down and placed a little kiss on Kenma’s cheek. “Kitten,” he whispered in his ear. “Turn your head and look at me.”

Kenma hesitated but slowly turned his head. His eyes could barely meet Kuroo’s but it was clear he was trying. 

“Kenma.” He moved his hand from Kenma’s hip to his cheek and brushed the tears away with his thumb. “It’s not ruined. You..” he took a deep breath, “you made a mistake. But…. but you’re not back at the start. You’re not playing the whole game again. We have a save point. We just have to redo a few levels. It won’t be easy but.. We’ve done them before. We have the knowledge. So it’s just the physical part this time.”

“I hate physical stuff..” Kenma sniffled.

Kuroo chuckled a little. “Yeah. But this isn’t running. You’ll be okay.”

Kuroo could tell Kenma wasn’t quite convinced. Kuroo wasn’t as great at game analogies and he also knew that Kenma’s depression was probably screaming in his head still. It was hard to be louder than the thoughts in someone's head.

“We’ll take some time off again,” he continued. “It’s cold enough to wear jackets so we can go to some arcades if you want or that cat café. And we’ll get you in with Dr. Toshi tomorrow. Maybe go back to the weekly therapy appointments for a little bit. Yeah?”

Kenma wiped his eyes on Kuroo’s pants and nodded. “Your job isn’t like school.. You can’t just take off a bunch of time because your boyfriend’s crazy.”

“You’re not crazy,” Kuroo insisted sternly before softening his voice again. “You’re not crazy. You’re smart. And strong. And intelligent. And fun. And kind. And beautiful.”

“I can be all those things _and_ crazy..” Kenma argued as his cheeks turned pink.

“Maybe.” Kuroo shrugged. “But you’re not crazy. You’re just in a war with your brain and you need some help fighting it. But, if anyone can almost single handedly win a mental war, it’s you.”

“Still… your job..”

Kuroo shrugged again. “They can go fuck themselves if they don’t want to give me time off. You’re more important. I’ll just quit.”

Kenma groaned and rolled his eyes. “Kuroooo.” 

“Fine. Fine.” Kuroo waved his hand. “I won’t quit. But I’m pretty sure I can take a few weeks off since work isn’t busy right now. And I can talk to my boss about lessening my hours for a little while. Or… Koutarou and Hinata shouldn’t be that busy for the next few months. We can call them? Maybe you guys could take a little trip or something when I have to go back to work. It’ll keep you busy and get you out of the house still, even if it’s not with me.”

“I still have my job..” Kenma mumbled, still not entirely convinced. His lips fell into a frown and he looked like he might start crying again. “And.. I don’t want to keep being a burden to everyone..just because I’m too weak to resist a stupid blade.. You guys shouldn’t have to give up your time..”

It was Kuroo who rolled his eyes this time as he sighed. “Do you think we don’t like spending time with you? Going on trips? Do you think my job is more fun than hanging out with you in an arcade all day and eating pizza?”

“I don’t know..”

“Kenma..”

“I think you like your job and the money it makes you.”

“Yeah. So? What good is all that money if I can’t take a damn vacation with it? I’d spend all year hanging out with you and vacationing if I could. Except you’d get tired of me and probably throw me out a window after awhile.”

“Yeah..”

“Exactly. We’ll just take a few weeks. And then you can hang out with the others. They’ve been saying they barely get to see you outside of a youtube video anymore. And you’re the boss of your company. You can work from home or shorten your hours or take time if you need it. Your employees will understand.”

“Maybe..” Kenma fidgeted with Kuroo’s pants some more.

“Definitely, Kitten. We’ll get you better again. Whatever it takes.” Kuroo lowered his voice. “I just want to see you happy and healthy..”

“Kuro..” Kenma whispered.

Kuroo smiled and brushed his fingers along Kenma’s cheek and back into his hair. “You don’t know how good it feels to see you when you’re happy. I feel like the luckiest man alive.”

“Then you get reminded you’re not when you see me like this..?”

“Nope.” Kuroo’s smile wavered but didn’t fall. “When I see you like this, I still feel like the luckiest man alive. I’m reminded of how strong and brave you are. How hard it is for you to exist every day. And yet you still do it. You still get up with me. And breathe. And you go to work. And you talk to people. And you make amazing videos. And you cuddle with me. And you make out wi- ow” Kuroo glared down at Kenma as he felt a pinch. “Well you do!” he argued. It only got him another pinch. 

“You do and it’s amazing,” he said super fast, trying not to get pinched again. “You do all that. And most of the time, the war in your mind is bloodless and I can’t see the injuries you sustain. But, when I can, on days like today, I’m reminded of how hard you’re fighting. How hard doing all that has to be. And it makes me appreciate you even more.”

“You’re so cheesy…” Kenma grumbled. His cheeks had turned pink from Kuroo’s words though and Kuroo could tell he was getting heard over the demons in Kenma’s head.

“And you love that about me.” Kuroo leaned his head back with a chuckle and closed his eyes. His face grew more serious and pained. “Don’t get me wrong. It hurts like hell. My heart breaks a little every time I see you bleed. It hurts worse than any injury I've ever had.. But I still feel lucky to have someone like you. I can't imagine a life without you in it and I don't want to.”

“Really?”

“Mhm.” Kuroo looked at Kenma again, his eyes filled with as much love as he could pour into them. “I’ve told you before and I’ll tell you again, Kenma. You’re the only one who sees yourself as a screw up and a burden.”

“Will you still say that if I can’t get better this time?”

“Yeah. But you will get better again.” Kuroo paused and gave Kenma one of his big and almost concerning grins. “And then we’re going to plan our wedding.”

“Our…?”

Kuroo kept grinning. 

“Seriously..?”

Kuroo nodded. “Don’t worry. I have a cheesy proposal planned if you don’t kick me out right now.”

“I might just to avoid whatever you have planned.” Kenma grimaced. 

“Hey! It’ll be great. I’ll get some unicorns. We’ll have a giant band dressed up as video game characters. I’ll write some stuff in the sky. Announce my love for you on the news.”

“I’ll murder you and have no regrets,” Kenma interrupted with the tiniest of smiles.

“Murdered by love.” Kuroo sighed. “One of the best ways to go.”

“It’ll be with hate. Not love.”

“So cruel, Kitten.” Kuroo smiled and leaned down, placing a soft kiss on Kenma’s nose. “I promise you’ll like what I have planned,” he whispered. 

“No crowds..”

“No crowds.” Kuroo chuckled. “And just one unicorn.”

Kenma glared at Kuroo.

“Okay. No unicorns either. Geez. I just want something as amazing as my future husband.”

“If you manage to not make this cheesy and embarrassing, that will be amazing enough..” Kenma groaned. 

Kuroo laughed and gave Kenma another kiss. He felt relieved that they were talking normally now. Kenma was okay if he could still talk like this. 

“Okay.” Kuroo said. “Just you wait. It will be the least cheesy thing I’ve ever done.”

“Not setting the bar very high..”

“Are you a kitten or a fire?” Kuroo pouted. “Stop burning me. I’m trying to be romantic.”

“Trying is the key word.”

Kuroo huffed and started to reply but Kenma cut him off with a kiss. Kuroo wrapped his arms around Kenma and pulled him closer till their lips finally parted. 

“Thank you.” Kenma whispered.

“Hmm?”

“I’m the luckiest man alive too.” Kenma smiled.

**Author's Note:**

> This is not what I was supposed to be working on writing.. oops. Oh well.
> 
> Anyway, comments are appreciated. Even if you can't leave one in English, I'll figure it out and appreciate it 🥰 Just please keep the comments nice. Thank you 💖


End file.
